Growing up, my Dad always mowed the lawn. He was in charge of the outside jobs. Dad would do the gardening, sweeping, pruning. He would chop the firewood and stack it neatly. He would wash the car and mow the lawn.
My Mum was tasked with the inside jobs. She would grocery shop, cook and clean. She did the washing and ironing. She organised, tidied and managed.
These were the traditional roles that I grew up with. They were normal. There was nothing wrong with them. My parents had their set roles and went about completing them.
The trouble is, these roles are vastly different. They are both difficult and exhausting in different ways.
My Dad was out of the house all week at work and didn’t get to see us much. He would then be out of the house on the weekend, completing tasks.
My Mum was at home all week, multitasking, looking after children and completing domestic tasks indoors. On the weekend, she continued this, managing children and inside jobs.
Although they seemed happy, my parents lacked the perspective of the other person. My Dad didn’t understand the complexities of multitasking with young children. He didn’t have the chance to develop his cooking skills.
Mum didn’t get to try different jobs and have a break from the monotony of domestic tasks. She would have loved a chance to be outside and focus on one task at a time.
Growing up, I presumed that this was normal. It was what my parents did and what their parents did. It would be my future too.
When I worked overseas as an au pair, the family I lived with did things differently. The dad enjoyed cooking. The mum liked outdoor tasks. They had a way of working to their strengths. They allowed each other to do the tasks that they enjoyed and were good at, rather than what their parents had done.
Transition to motherhood
I didn’t realise how much I needed to feel productive until I became a mother.
I had visions of myself with a baby. I looked forward to having my husband come home from work and I’d be in the kitchen. I’d finally have time to cook a yummy dinner and maybe even dessert. I somehow thought that being home all day would mean I could do things I’d always wanted to but never had time for.
As the eldest of four children, I wasn’t completely naive to the huge role of parenting. I knew what I was getting into.
Admittedly, it still surprised me how much time a baby took up. How little time there was to do the most basic of chores. How they didn’t always sleep when they were meant to or as long as you hoped they would.
The lack of achieving things and feeling productive bothered me. It felt overwhelming to spend so much time at home and surrounded by chaos, all day and every day.
To be lovingly trapped under a sleeping baby and see your house in disarray and unable to do anything about it. To have a long to-do list and never get to anything on the list.
Perhaps for some, the transition to motherhood is easy. It wasn’t for me.
Why inside jobs are hard
More often than not, the jobs that are assigned or left to women are repetitive. They can feel monotonous. They are jobs that are never really finished.
The grocery shopping, meal prepping, cooking and dishes is constant, as is the cleaning and washing, When these are combined with caring for young children, the role is enormous.
It’s often a thankless task because much of it goes unnoticed.
You’ve probably heard the story of the man who comes home from work to find the house in disarray. He asked his wife what happened.
“You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
My Mum loved this story. She loved it because it was true.
My Dad wouldn’t come home and ask why things weren’t done. He knew she worked hard. He just had no idea how hard.
Men typically go out of the house to work and then do yard work on weekends. This means they are productive, have time to think and have fewer interruptions.
Women typically have stayed home to raise children and on weekends remain indoors. They do a million things at once whilst wrangling impossible little ones. Getting anything done is a challenge. Being interrupted constantly is exhausting. That wears us down.
Here’s why the inside jobs are harder:
– they are often mundane
– they have to be repeated again and again
– they are often thankless tasks
– there is often not much to show for all the effort
– inside roles require multitasking
Women doing the dishes have the washing on, something in the oven, have a box of items to declutter by the door and are messaging someone about players and birthday parties. They get interrupted to make snacks and change nappies and wipe up messes. They engage children in play and break up fights. They get children changed into pyjamas and set the table and empty the dishwasher.
When I mow the lawn, I often to music or podcasts or enjoy the silence. I have one job. I can be single focused. I complete a job from start to finish.
It’s not just the lawn. I’ve painted the entire exterior of our house . I’ve trimmed trees and weeded the garden. I’ve planted hundreds of plants.
I’ve dug out 12 tonnes of dirt with a shovel to create an alfresco space. I’ve shovelled gravel, barkchips, mulch and sand. I’m not afraid of hard work or heavy lifting or getting dirty.
It’s not about the lawn. It’s about the type of task that it is.
Mowing the lawn is easier than doing the dishes
Domestic jobs are often viewed as easier than yard work. It’s as though anyone can do them.
Yard work on the other hand, apparently takes a level of expertise and strength that women don’t possess.
When I posted about this on Instagram, I was met with differing views.
Unsurprisingly, most women agreed that mowing the lawn is easier (and fun).
Some men were deeply irritated. They didn’t like the idea that women could do a man’s job, let alone find it easier. They mocked this. Of course yard work is harder. Of course it takes more physical strength.
Perhaps doing the dishes in isolation is easier than mowing the lawn. The act of washing dishes is simple.
This is different to doing the fourth set of dishes for the day after preparing meals and snacks and cleaning up. It is different when navigating fussy eating and refusal. It is different when the dishes are just one small part of the domestic load that normally falls on the woman.
Obviously they have never tried to wrestle a toddler into a carseat or carry a screaming toddler out of a shopping centre or push a pram while carrying their unsettled baby. They haven’t bent down a million times to pick up Lego while vacuuming or scrub the stains out of the floor while managing the needs of young children.
I think some men underestimate the strength of women. Women are incredibly strong.
We are capable of doing numerous tasks just as men are capable of multitasking. We can all choose to learn new skills.
What I have learnt
Over time, I have learnt that I need to find little ways to be productive each day, and each week. It doesn’t have to be big things, but the act of getting something finished is good for me.
For my husband and I, we have realised a few things.
My husband is out of the home during the week so when he is home, he wants to be close to our boys. He enjoys cooking so he often takes the chance to prepare meals. It’s not always easy but it’s a nice change to his normal routine.
I often feel worn down from being in the home during the week. The endless cycle of preparing food, eating, and clearing it up is exhausting, Being interrupted constantly is hard.
On the weekends, I often switch roles with my husband.
I relish the chance to focus on one job, feel productive and be in the fresh air. It’s a chance to listen to a podcast or audiobook, sing along to a tune or simply be in the silence. Not being touched by little ones. To have no demands for a little while.
It’s not just about mowing the lawn. It could be gardening, watering, painting or decluttering. Being able to work without interruptions and having free space to daydream is as wonderful as it is important.
I think that it’s helpful to switch roles where you can to give each spouse a break and some understanding of what the other role is like.
Time For A Change?
Perhaps a change is just what you and your partner need. You might not have any desire to mow the lawn but there might be a job that you’d love to try instead.
Explain to your partner about how you feel. Ask them what jobs they enjoy doing and if there is something that they would like to try instead.
If your other half doesn’t get what it’s like to be inside doing ALL of the things, suggest swapping for an afternoon. If they refuse to ‘let’ you, that’s rubbish. I’d go outside anyway.
Bit harsh? Maybe. I’m all for marriage and making it work.
If your partner doesn’t get what it’s like and can’t cope with laying down the tools to wash the dishes to enable you to have a break (it is!), then I’d be asking some big questions.
Resources
If you’re looking for some help navigating this, there are some excellent marriage coaches and resources available. Here are some that I’ve found helpful:
Marriage 365 (Marriage & Relationship Experts)
Fair Play Life (Fairness Around Domestic Tasks & Mental Load)
Focus On Marriage (Focus On The Family)
Jayde Hanna (Couples Therapist and Coach)
Final Thoughts
Sometimes we don’t even need to change anything. Simply having the conversation can help us understand what it is like for our spouse. It helps to bring perspective.
Switching up the roles allows for perspective and understanding. It enables us to understand what it is like for the other.
Different roles can help marriages thrive.
We don’t have to do what has always been done. We don’t have to do what our parents did. We don’t have to do what we have always done. Finding what works for you and your spouse is more important than tradition.
Do you prefer inside or outside chores?
Who mows the lawn at your house?
Comment below or connect on Instagram.
Melanie Wegener
